How to overcome a emotional breakup?

How to overcome an emotional breakup?

"Kisses that come laughing, then crying they leave, and in them the life goes away, that never will return". That's how Miguel de Unamuno spoke of the lack of love. But although at times it seems to choke or squeeze too much, they say that love no longer dies. That all, and even in the worst possible conditions, we can overcome a sentimental break, we just have to accept it, and decide to start over.

Patricia Ramírez Loeffler, a psychologist specialized in high performance sports, anxiety disorders and couples, dedicates a chapter in one of her books, Why do they dream of being soccer players and they princesses? (Espasa), to talk about the lack of love. It ensures that the pain is not proportional to the years of relationship, but has to do with other factors such as the degree of falling in love, complicity and adoration towards the other person, and with the resources and experiences that one has. That is, if someone has already gone through a similar situation, he knows that life goes on: I have a family, I have friends and enough resources to be able to overcome it.

Phases of a break

The phases of a break, with its nuances and distances, according to experts, are similar to those of a duel. "Sometimes, it is even more painful because when someone dies, the folder closes, while in the break you know that the person is there, but he does not want to be with you anymore," Ramírez says.

Some authors and manuals speak up to five phases. Ana Sierra, a psychologist and sexual and couple therapist, explains what happens in each one of them. "A first phase would be denial, where we do not accept that the relationship is over, and we still hope to recover that person." The second would be anger, anger and anger, in which the reasons for what happened, both in you (what I will have done wrong) and in the other person, then the negotiation phase would come, in which you start looking for solutions, the fourth one covers a period where you experience sadness and pain itself , and you want to mourn that pain, and finally, the acceptance comes, in which you assume what has happened ". Some authors also present a sixth phase: assimilation. In it, everything is overcome, assimilated, and you can talk about it without getting excited.

According to the manuals of Psychiatry or Psychology, Ramírez mentions, there is actually a time of mourning that can last up to two years, but really, that time is very relative and personal. However, "you can advance that process, maintaining an active attitude and not letting what happened block your life". And if necessary, ask for professional help, adds Sierra, and the sooner, the better.

The key is, above all, to accept the situation, to recognize that the story has ended and know how to put the final point. Do not fix your goal to recover, says Ramírez, but to accept: "Do not beg for love to the other person, do not ask for love to those who do not want to be with you" because, "couples are to enjoy themselves, not to suffer", says bluntly .

"The emotional break is one of the most stressful events, of change, that we live," says Juan Macias, a psychologist and specialist in couples therapy. Such is the case that, according to a study on verbalizations, the psychological meaning of a significant break in a couple in university students (Ibero-American Psychology, vol.20, no.2, July-December, 2012) reveals that this event is usually an event essentially, associated with negative feelings and emotions. In fact, the expert explains, of the 176 words used by the study sample, only 20 could be considered positive. Such as acceptance, resignation, learning, monitoring, respect and growth. And most, "allude to a recovery, which indicates the need to go through a grieving process and thus achieve personal growth," he says.

At the other extreme, there are people who leave their partners, those who decide to cut the relationship. They also suffer, as they have left someone they loved very much and did not want to hurt. In this case, Sierra explains, what should be worked is the feeling of guilt, self-esteem and detachment because each one has to take responsibility for his pain, and how he lives it: "Not to avoid someone else's pain, I have to do it to myself. me, for example, continuing with a relationship that I do not want. " In other cases, where the break is by mutual agreement, the pain is experienced differently and is much more distributed. It is important, adds Macías, the forms and the deadlines to carry out the rupture. In general, it is more complicated when the break is somewhat abrupt and one of the parties does not expect it to happen. For example, there are couples who give themselves a time, respite, or second and third chances, so in these cases, the final break does not catch you so surprised, because there are already signs that suggest that it can be accommodated

Keys to overcome it

The conflicts of couple and the ruptures are increasingly present in the Spanish consultations. "What I most treat are anxiety disorders and couples problems, I see a lot of people suffer from issues of heartbreak, in a very deep and profound way," confesses Ramírez.

In these therapies, "what I do is work mainly with beliefs and control of stimuli," says Sierra. That is to say, we must control what causes us to fan the flame of pain. You have to stop and control the things that remind us of that person, for example: do not torture yourself over and over again with that song. And of course, you have to work and rebuild your damaged self-esteem.

But, what are the keys to wanting to return to recover your life again? The first is to banish the old saying that one spot of blackberry with another is removed, because the best, says Sierra, is not to find a partner as soon as possible, since in that case you would be replacing the missing affection and can generate a certain dependence .

The objective, adds Ramírez, is not to fall in love again, but to know how to live with yourself, to know how to enjoy and to know how to feel good. "If you want to have a partner, fight for it, but go out, meet people, dress in a different way, increase your group of friends and activities ... That does not mean that in the time of transition between a couple and another you learn and know how to enjoy yourself. " In addition, he warns that "if you obsess a lot in looking for a partner, it will be your main barrier: you throw all your energy into that search and let go of things that are happening around you".

The fundamental thing, advises this expert, is to dare to do things you did not do before (try, for example, go to the movies alone and experience that it can be something very positive) increase your sources of well-being, give yourself caprices, invest time in yourself. Another important aspect is to rely on the people who love you, but without monopolizing the whole conversation in the breakup because you would end up getting tired.

In short, the key is that "despite the suffering you are still active, do things, do not stop seeing life go by, it's not about being a superman or a superwoman, simply putting your part so that the pain disappears as soon as possible ", concludes Ramírez.

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